not a part of anything

by Ronan Conroy

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1.
Apart 03:12
Take a bow! Everybody knows you’re right! Show them how! Nothing proved without a fight Win somehow! Technically you have the right Anyhow: he’s higher than a fucking kite! It’s a matter of the heart! It’s a matter of the heart! Take a bow! What a great performance, now You arrive and leave without a warning In the sun - we lay in the water You asked me what was on my mind and in my heart It’s a matter of the heart! It’s a matter of the HEART! It’s a matter of the heart! It doesn’t matter if we fall apart! Falling down Falling from a heavy height Suffer now! Standing in the blinding light Heave the plow! Drag the blade with all your might! Heed the vow! Winding sheet is winding tight It’s a matter of the heart! It’s a matter of the HEART! It’s a matter of the heart! It doesn’t matter if we fall apart! APART!
2.
Terms 03:34
Come on little darling, we’ve been living too long in the shadows What happens next - nobody knows Let’s wear a smile for a while, wipe the tears from your eyes and slow down Feel the air in your lungs, feel the blood in your veins Slow down, slow down Come on little darling, all the baggage that we’re holding - let’s let go Holding on won’t do nobody no good Catalogue and file and the crimes and the lies - we made mistakes It doesn’t last, does’t matter, doesn’t change me and you Lay, lay your weapons down Lay, lay your burden down Lay, lay your weapons down Lay, lay your burden down Come on little darling, we’ve been looking too long out the window Struggling inside while the wide world passes by Let’s take the throne, wear the crown, hang around for a while: we’ve earned it. I think I’m coming to terms Lay, lay your weapons down Lay, lay your burden down Lay, lay your weapons down Lay, lay your burden down
3.
Fire Escape 03:38
Through the bars across the window Through the bars of the fire escape Bleak tall towers stop the sunlight from coming in Your sad face in the shadows Madness pass in proximity on the street Trash bums sleep ragged in wine-drunk cavities Pan down endless through apartment block balconies Whores boardwalk under the window down on the street Stars dimmed black - the gaudy reach of a million lights Washed ashore - convulsing under streetlights I was garbage strewn on a filthy shoreline I could not breathe - I wanted to escape Oh! There was nothing before that love! And it filled me up where I had never been touched before My father’s hand ringing across my face: In the cold of home - love was forbidden Now our love was not the love that it was before But oh my love, was it ever? Your sad face in the shadows of that place And you just wanted to escape
4.
I’m driving south all away from your lies I want out but I’m running out of time You couldn’t keep all of your promises if you tried Work it out or we can say goodbye Whose opinion are you wearing now? Paralyzed by your fear of ghosts You and I: are we circling the drain? Or are we orbiting the stars? Disappointed! Sweet siren, Queen of Nothing Regent of the Incomplete What you get is what you earn! Dance in fire! All my years are burned. Disappointed! I’m driving south all away from your lies I want out but I’m running out of time You couldn’t keep all of your promises if you tried Work it out or we can say goodbye Sweet siren, Queen of Nothing Regent of the Incomplete Sweet siren, Super Nova! Sweet siren, it’s all over.
5.
Somewhere all this is resolved Somewhere all these paths have crossed I don’t know but I trust I trust Somewhere all these questions have been answered Somewhere all this tension has been lost Stay right here within these soft walls Stay right here where all is absolved All is ok Ok Oh! The sun is going down upon the buildings and the river I’m watching in the reflection for her image Is she coming?
6.
Your wife knows it The landlord and landlady know it Their noisy little kids know it The guy at the corner store knows it The girl from the wine bar knows it The girl on the 10th floor knows it Your brothers they all know it Your mother, though she doesn’t show it Oh! You little so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so Your friends they all know it Everybody in the band knows it The innocent bystander knows it Everybody in the taxi line knows it The people at the bars you’ve been to The airport security screener The drunk East-European girl The whole wide fucking world! Oh! You little so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so They’ve all seen you going at it Acting like a lunatic Speaking in tongues And coughing up your antics The orange-thrower in Amsterdam Is probably a very nice man But understandably he could not stand you Acting like a so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so The neighbors on the street know it The pole-dancers at 13th Street know it The telephone solicitor knows it The bouncers at the door know it Your colleagues on the job know it The comments of a blog show it Your buddies who aren’t buddies show it They hide it well - they barely show it Oh! You little so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so Oh! You little so-and-so
7.
The Promise 03:36
What happened? Where has it gone? You had the answers when you were young You would not do what they had done The years pass you by Try not to lose it! The years take a toll on you Don’t let the fears take hold of you! The cold in you can die if you can breathe I don’t know how to carry on Don’t know if I can can do it alone Took things so far - now you’re gone She said something she should not have said You killed something that should not be dead Remember! Electric fire! The years pass you by Try not to lose it! The years they take a toll on you Don’t let the fears take hold of you! The cold in you can die if you can breathe
8.
Polite demeanor to the dilettante fool Give the baby what it wants! Give the animals the shirt off your back! CapitulationAdvance Smile your way through another dead day CapitulationAdvance Beaten bodily - it’s a daily occurrence Oh no - you don’t stand a chance! Yeh! They’ve taken every fucking penny away Disintegration is life Ripe lies and newborn ripe with the flies Cut your tongue out - you can watch what you say You can watch what you say!
9.
Song #1 03:27
Come ride the spinning wheel! Come ride the spinning top! Come see the sea of faces! Just try to swim on top! Come see the twisted faces! Just try to stay on top! Scream! Wish it wasn’t real! But you know it’ll never stop I ain’t tellin’ no-one I don’t trust a soul Words don’t come out shaped right Choke them down! Keep hold! So sick of being lied to Why do I even care? Just trying to resurrect me Just trying to get out of here Dread fills me up each morning As I’m crossing the parking lot Another day that they have taken Another day that I am not I ain’t tellin’ no-one I don’t trust a soul Words don’t come out shaped right Choke them down! Keep hold! Choke them down! Keep hold! Come ride the spinning wheel! Come ride the spinning top! Two dozen internal dialogues Cataloguing “Is” “Is not” So sick of being lied to Why do I even care? I’m never going to get out of here I’m never going to get out of here I ain’t tellin’ no-one I don’t trust a soul Words don’t come out shaped right Choke them down! Keep hold!
10.
Step by Step 02:41
Books on myself Stare at myself Books on my shelf Stare at my shelf Go to the phone! Leave me alone! Answer the phone! Do it alone! Step by step Watch your step Take a step Take it back Stare at the wall Take it all Books on the wall Answer the call!
11.
Stop Talking 06:35
You know my game - you think you got my number, don’t you? You heard my name - makes me just a number like you I tell my shame - you tell me all the rules to follow Coz it’s a game, and you’ve been playing longer than me I can’t pull rank - there’s no hierarchy You heard some things about me I don’t really want you to know But if I’m shameful - you tell me I just need to let go That’s real convenient, coz we’re not talking ‘bout you and the things you’ve done that make you ashamed just like me You still got your secrecy Stop talking to me through your preaching mouth! It’s so simple, is it? You got it figured out Stop talking! You run your preaching mouth What a wisdom is it that rips the spirit out? You heard the news, so now you can rush in with your truth You got your wisdom - just can’t wait to preach it to me I’ve made mistakes, so who am I to question advice? No matter what I get done - you think I can’t tell wrong from right You’re going to show me the light Stop talking to me through your preaching mouth! So simple, is it? You got it figured out Stop talking! You run your preaching mouth What a wisdom is it that rips the spirit out, that rips the spirit out?
12.
Beyond the point of no return Beyond the point of anger There is nothing left to burn I don’t have your answer Voices taken by the wind Steals your laughter Blood runs into the mud Time slipping faster Faces in darkness Faces in light Facts in the darkness Facts brought to light Dry, the leaves crack in your hands Fall to the winter earth These were answers that you learned Memory afterbirth Faces in darkness Faces in light Facts in the darkness Facts brought to light
13.
Not a part of anything Not a part of you Fall apart like everything does and always will do Baby Blue it’s true Baby Blue it’s true Baby Blue it’s true Baby Blue it’s true It’s true Not a part of anything Not a part of you Fall apart like everything does and always will do Maybe when you’re older you will understand All that’s on your shoulders will make the boy a man Leave here without anything Leave here without you Leave here without all the things we tried so hard to do Baby Blue it’s true Baby Blue it’s true Baby Blue it’s true Baby Blue it’s true As your heart grows colder you will make a stand As you fail to hold her you’ll see what’s in your hands …

about

This album is dedicated to Charles Nieland. Producer, engineer, multi-instrumentalist, arranger, song doctor. You’re pretty-much The Band on most of my work these days. Thanks for all of this, and thanks first and foremost for your friendship. Nights at the studio are like hanging out in some amazing apartment where great things happen.
Thanks to the artists who appeared on the album with me - Charles Nieland, Justin Wierbonski, Echoscape and Chealsea Conroy.
Thanks to Fred Kevorkian for your always supreme quality mastering.
Thanks to Shannon Brown for putting the album cover together.
Thanks to TL Reid for the inspiring and amazing photos: those images are perfect for these songs.
Thanks to the Bushwick Book Club for inspiring me to write “Fire Escape” while reading Betty Smith’s “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn.”

credits

released March 10, 2016

Produced and engineered by Charles Nieland at Capture Sound Studios, Brooklyn, New York between March 2013 and April 2015
Mastered by Fred Kevorkian at Avatar Studios, Manhattan, New York between August and September 2015
Album cover designed by Shannon Brown

Music and lyrics by Ronan Conroy (except #8 - music by Ronan Conroy and Bryan Pocius)
Vocals by Ronan Conroy
Backing vocals on #13 by Ronan Conroy and Charles Nieland
Guitars by Ronan Conroy
Bass guitar on #1, #2 and #13 by Echoscape
Bass guitar on #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #8, #9, #10 and #11 by Charles Nieland
Synths on #3, #11 and #12 by Charles Nieland
Piano on #5 by Charles Nieland
Drums on #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, #6, #7, #10, #11, #12 and #13 by Justin Wierbonski
Drums on #8 and #9 by Chealsea Conroy

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